Before and After

After a very long absence, I've returned to the blogging world... I guess.

When I wrote my last post, I'm not even sure where my mind was. I was struggling to make sense of a situation that just didn't, trying to stay positive for sanity's sake, and absolutely terrified of what would come next.

In the last year and some months, I've found that I often find myself referencing events as "before he left" or "after he left". I know that single event in my life does not define me as a person, but it makes a very convenient time marker most of the time. So the other day when I started thinking about writing again and was trying to figure out how to update anyone who might still be reading on an entire year of my life, I came back to the "after he left" time frame. Well, what has happened since that last post, "since he left"?

I spent a week in Arizona and finally got ANGRY. This lead to some serious soul searching and life changes.

I spent the weekend that would've been my wedding in Ocean City with amazingly supportive friends. I mark this weekend as the end of the mourning process and the beginning of healing. 

I went on my mother effing honeymoon. That's right people - my best friend and I didn't let that all inclusive vacation go to waste. We went to Costa Rica for a whole week and had the time of our lives.

I got a new puppy who I named Summer! Then, sadly, I lost her in a tragic accident. Then a few days later, a little angel who I would name Ruby came in to my life and helped heal my heart again. 

My angel girl Summer.

My sweet Ruby.

I lost a TON of weight. We won't mention that it's because I was too sad to eat. Which would be exactly why I gained it all (and then some) back.

I started dating again and even thought I had fallen in love again. Spoiler alert: I hadn't. 

I got a roommate! We ignore those terrible colors she supports as much as possible. 

I traveled. A whole freaking lot. San Diego, Los Angeles, Las Vegas (TWICE!), Costa Rica, the Jersey Shore, Montana (where I did a ton of snowboarding and met some sweet sled doggies)...

I learned how to "manly" things like weed the yard, trim hedges, build a backyard patio, and check the oil in my car.

I stood next to two of my best friends as they married the loves of their lives in October and November. I thought both weddings would be really emotional and tough (which they were) but I was also just so genuinely HAPPY for my friends that I didn't focus too much on myself. I just hope and pray everyday to find what they have. 

 I got my gorgeous engagement ring turned into some stunning new bling - a ring which I wear on my left middle finger (you can guess why I chose that spot) and a beautiful new diamond necklace. 

But to be a little more thoughtful and introspective... 

I'm learning how to just be me. It sucks sometimes and a lot of the time I'm fairly confident that I'll be alone with my Yorkie forever. But I try to take things one day at a time. 

I discovered the strength of my family and friends that I never knew I needed before. 

I found support and love in people who I never would've thought to seek it from, and who have become some of my closest friends. 

I've tried to create a positive outlook for myself and my life. I try to think of all the great things that have happened "since he left", that I know NEVER would've have happened in my past life. 

I've found the peace that can come from spending time alone. Just me, a candle, Ruby and a book (or Buzzfeed... you know whatever you prefer) 

I learned that I'm not alone! Broken engagements aren't as rare as one might think. That makes it much easier to set aside my embarrassment from time to time.

I wake up everyday, try to keep my shit together, and hold my head as high as I can. 

I know that what I've been through in the last year or so is not as bad as it could have been. I know that there are people out there suffering every single day and that I am blessed for the life I have been given. However, what I went through was, at the time, as much as I possibly could take. And I learned that I could make it through, relatively, unharmed. As long as I have my family, both blood and chosen, I can make it through. 

Things may not go as planned, which is completely infuriating for such a control freak as myself. However, I can't control a lot of what happens. I have to focus on what I CAN control and make the best choices for myself and my life.