When Life Hands You Lemons...

Well it has officially been over 6 months since I sat down to write a blog post. A lot of changes have happened that I've had to deal with. I didn't know how to put things into words for a long time. But then I realized I needed to just sit down and start writing. Even if I'm the only one who ever reads this, these words need to get out...

About 4 months ago, my life changed forever. Antonio came home one night in late January and told me he couldn't marry me anymore. I was devastated but SO SO sure of us and our life together that I begged for a second chance. He agreed, but looking back his heart wasn't in it for a long time. After about a month of my desperate attempts to put the pieces of our life back together, he decided he needed to stay with a friend for a little while to get his head together. About three weeks after that, I came home from work to a nearly empty house and Antonio packing the last of his things. Needless to say, I was beyond speechless and devastated. There are obviously a lot more details that I could add into this story but the story is not my point in this post.

My point is that I hit rock bottom for awhile. I thought I would never be able to put myself back together. I didn't know how to be Amber without Antonio. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even go to work. Through it all my family and friends have stuck by me in a way I can never begin to thank them for.

One of those friends happens to live in Arizona and immediately sent me a plane ticket to come visit during Spring Break. I don't know if it was the sunshine, being some place new or just getting a different perspective but something happened in Arizona. I finally let myself be myself again and just freaking have fun. And you know what I realized? I'm pretty awesome just the way I am and it's ok to smile and be happy even when I'm hurting. I came back rejuvenated and ready to take my life back.

Antonio is finally completely out of our townhouse which I will be staying in. In a completely perfect moment of fate, a former colleague wrote me a Facebook message asking me if I knew anybody in the area that was in need of a room mate! And get this: she needed a place to live because HER ENGAGEMENT ENDED TOO. She's also a teacher and will be moving in at the end of May. I am SO excited for us to continue to heal and take our lives back together!

I've learned some serious lessons in a very short time. I've learned that even when it feels like you will never see the light of day again, you have to just keep pushing, just keep living as best you can day by day.

I've learned that you should never feel ashamed to ask for help. I've leaned so incredibly heavily on my family and friends during the last four months. They have held me up and even boosted me past where I ever thought I'd be at this point. I started seeing a therapist again and learned that I suffer from PTSD. This experience has driven me to finally acknowledge this diagnosis and get the help I've been needing for a long time.

Most importantly, I've learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. While I still have my days where I miss what we had or feel exceptionally lonely, I am able to put things into perspective finally. What Antonio and I had was special and always will be. But neither of us are those people anymore. I feel more like myself than I have in literally years.

In the end when life hands you lemons you have two choices: let them make you sour or figure out how to alter them to make them sweet. I've chosen the latter and though it's a journey, I'm not going to let myself sour.