100 Happy Days

Real talk time: I have PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder. Contrary to common belief, PTSD is not a disease that affects only returning war veterans. (Although I am in NO way downplaying their struggles, hardships or incredible service to our country!) personally, mine developed after a life altering loss at the age of 17. However, I wasn't willing to admit that I needed help until almost 9 years later, after completely losing control when Antonio walked out. Everyone who has PTSD experiences different "side effects". For me, it's manifested mainly as anxiety, depression and spurts of anger. Although I do see a therapist for treatment, different events can trigger a "relapse" of sorts for me. Recently I've been very discouraged and lonely, feeling like I'll never find my "one" or that there is something wrong with me that I keep losing relationships, even ones that haven't really started yet. (Remember I told you I experienced a traumatic loss, so usually that's what triggers me...) however, I am NOT sharing this with you all for pity or sympathy.

Anyway this brings me to my point: 100 Happy Days.

Sometimes, especially when I've been feeling depressed and lonely, I have a really hard time finding the silver lining. In my brain I know I'm lucky and have tons going for me but in real life I just end up crying, sleeping, or eating my feelings away. So this morning when I stumbled upon this Instagram hashtag, I was immediately on board.

Basically all you have to do is find JUST ONE thing that makes you really, truly happy, even for just a minute, each day. Then, you post it to your choice of social media with the hashtag #100happydays. Obviously, you could do this on your own but I felt like id need a little accountability so I signed up to be an "official" part of the project at 100happydays.com.

I'm hoping that this will help kick start me back to myself again. And maybe even inspire others to see the good moments of life through some sucky ones. I'd love to see what you post and share my happiness with all of you! My Instagram name is AmberLee916 if you're interested!!

Before and After

After a very long absence, I've returned to the blogging world... I guess.

When I wrote my last post, I'm not even sure where my mind was. I was struggling to make sense of a situation that just didn't, trying to stay positive for sanity's sake, and absolutely terrified of what would come next.

In the last year and some months, I've found that I often find myself referencing events as "before he left" or "after he left". I know that single event in my life does not define me as a person, but it makes a very convenient time marker most of the time. So the other day when I started thinking about writing again and was trying to figure out how to update anyone who might still be reading on an entire year of my life, I came back to the "after he left" time frame. Well, what has happened since that last post, "since he left"?

I spent a week in Arizona and finally got ANGRY. This lead to some serious soul searching and life changes.

I spent the weekend that would've been my wedding in Ocean City with amazingly supportive friends. I mark this weekend as the end of the mourning process and the beginning of healing. 

I went on my mother effing honeymoon. That's right people - my best friend and I didn't let that all inclusive vacation go to waste. We went to Costa Rica for a whole week and had the time of our lives.

I got a new puppy who I named Summer! Then, sadly, I lost her in a tragic accident. Then a few days later, a little angel who I would name Ruby came in to my life and helped heal my heart again. 

My angel girl Summer.

My sweet Ruby.

I lost a TON of weight. We won't mention that it's because I was too sad to eat. Which would be exactly why I gained it all (and then some) back.

I started dating again and even thought I had fallen in love again. Spoiler alert: I hadn't. 

I got a roommate! We ignore those terrible colors she supports as much as possible. 

I traveled. A whole freaking lot. San Diego, Los Angeles, Las Vegas (TWICE!), Costa Rica, the Jersey Shore, Montana (where I did a ton of snowboarding and met some sweet sled doggies)...

I learned how to "manly" things like weed the yard, trim hedges, build a backyard patio, and check the oil in my car.

I stood next to two of my best friends as they married the loves of their lives in October and November. I thought both weddings would be really emotional and tough (which they were) but I was also just so genuinely HAPPY for my friends that I didn't focus too much on myself. I just hope and pray everyday to find what they have. 

 I got my gorgeous engagement ring turned into some stunning new bling - a ring which I wear on my left middle finger (you can guess why I chose that spot) and a beautiful new diamond necklace. 

But to be a little more thoughtful and introspective... 

I'm learning how to just be me. It sucks sometimes and a lot of the time I'm fairly confident that I'll be alone with my Yorkie forever. But I try to take things one day at a time. 

I discovered the strength of my family and friends that I never knew I needed before. 

I found support and love in people who I never would've thought to seek it from, and who have become some of my closest friends. 

I've tried to create a positive outlook for myself and my life. I try to think of all the great things that have happened "since he left", that I know NEVER would've have happened in my past life. 

I've found the peace that can come from spending time alone. Just me, a candle, Ruby and a book (or Buzzfeed... you know whatever you prefer) 

I learned that I'm not alone! Broken engagements aren't as rare as one might think. That makes it much easier to set aside my embarrassment from time to time.

I wake up everyday, try to keep my shit together, and hold my head as high as I can. 

I know that what I've been through in the last year or so is not as bad as it could have been. I know that there are people out there suffering every single day and that I am blessed for the life I have been given. However, what I went through was, at the time, as much as I possibly could take. And I learned that I could make it through, relatively, unharmed. As long as I have my family, both blood and chosen, I can make it through. 

Things may not go as planned, which is completely infuriating for such a control freak as myself. However, I can't control a lot of what happens. I have to focus on what I CAN control and make the best choices for myself and my life.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Well it has officially been over 6 months since I sat down to write a blog post. A lot of changes have happened that I've had to deal with. I didn't know how to put things into words for a long time. But then I realized I needed to just sit down and start writing. Even if I'm the only one who ever reads this, these words need to get out...

About 4 months ago, my life changed forever. Antonio came home one night in late January and told me he couldn't marry me anymore. I was devastated but SO SO sure of us and our life together that I begged for a second chance. He agreed, but looking back his heart wasn't in it for a long time. After about a month of my desperate attempts to put the pieces of our life back together, he decided he needed to stay with a friend for a little while to get his head together. About three weeks after that, I came home from work to a nearly empty house and Antonio packing the last of his things. Needless to say, I was beyond speechless and devastated. There are obviously a lot more details that I could add into this story but the story is not my point in this post.

My point is that I hit rock bottom for awhile. I thought I would never be able to put myself back together. I didn't know how to be Amber without Antonio. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even go to work. Through it all my family and friends have stuck by me in a way I can never begin to thank them for.

One of those friends happens to live in Arizona and immediately sent me a plane ticket to come visit during Spring Break. I don't know if it was the sunshine, being some place new or just getting a different perspective but something happened in Arizona. I finally let myself be myself again and just freaking have fun. And you know what I realized? I'm pretty awesome just the way I am and it's ok to smile and be happy even when I'm hurting. I came back rejuvenated and ready to take my life back.

Antonio is finally completely out of our townhouse which I will be staying in. In a completely perfect moment of fate, a former colleague wrote me a Facebook message asking me if I knew anybody in the area that was in need of a room mate! And get this: she needed a place to live because HER ENGAGEMENT ENDED TOO. She's also a teacher and will be moving in at the end of May. I am SO excited for us to continue to heal and take our lives back together!

I've learned some serious lessons in a very short time. I've learned that even when it feels like you will never see the light of day again, you have to just keep pushing, just keep living as best you can day by day.

I've learned that you should never feel ashamed to ask for help. I've leaned so incredibly heavily on my family and friends during the last four months. They have held me up and even boosted me past where I ever thought I'd be at this point. I started seeing a therapist again and learned that I suffer from PTSD. This experience has driven me to finally acknowledge this diagnosis and get the help I've been needing for a long time.

Most importantly, I've learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. While I still have my days where I miss what we had or feel exceptionally lonely, I am able to put things into perspective finally. What Antonio and I had was special and always will be. But neither of us are those people anymore. I feel more like myself than I have in literally years.

In the end when life hands you lemons you have two choices: let them make you sour or figure out how to alter them to make them sweet. I've chosen the latter and though it's a journey, I'm not going to let myself sour.

Freebie Friday!

Yesterday I officially linked up to Teacher Week at Blog Hoppin'!

Thanks to all of YOUR amazing blog posts, Pinterest pins and just generally awesome ideas and generosity, I have been feeling VERY inspired. So I decided to post my very first TEACHER FREEBIE!!!

The first one applies mostly to IB - PYP teachers. These are kid friendly cards giving the definition of the 10 learner profile traits. Although these are intended for IB teachers, I think that they are honestly not only great vocabulary for kids, but also character traits that every learner should strive for! You'd be amazed at how quickly kids pick up on these traits!! Scroll down for the link!

Click here for printable Learner Profile Trait cards!

As I've said, this is my first year teaching first grade. Up until now, I had worked only with 3rd graders! This means A LOT of changes for me - including adding a WORD WALL to my classroom! So, of course, I had to create some cute alphabet letters like the ones below: 

Click here for full set of printable alphabet cards!

And finally, I used these GREAT genre labels that I found via the Clutter Free Classroom, added some kid friendly definitions and shrunk them to the size of a flash card. 

Click here for printable genre labels and definitions!

I think that's all for me for now - I'm pretty new to this whole freebie thing. But I think I like it! I can't wait to see what you all post - so don't forget to link up over at Blog Hoppin' to share!!

Where I Teach Wednesday (yes, I know it's Thursday...)

I stumbled upon this most recent teacher link up a little late in the game, but I'm still excited to participate! It's Teacher Week over at Blog Hoppin' and yesterday all of the amazing teachers that linked up showed off their teaching space. Well I had already been planning to do just that so why not link it up too??? Even if it is a day late...

Here is the view as you enter my classroom. I'm sticking with the beach theme this year but decided to spice it up with a cruise ship! Eventually I want to have all their little first grade faces in the life rings surrounding the boat. 

We're also a pod school - meaning no real walls or doors. To most people who come in for the first time, this boggles their minds. I honestly prefer it - you're able to better collaborate and be spontaneous with your teammates. And it's great for "borrowing" ideas you see other people using throughout the day!

Library area complete with new, reupholstered rocking chair. Though not as comfy as my old one :(

Computer and reading/writing centers

My thinking maps and PYP Learner Profile Traits board. Actually the IB learner Traits have changed since I took this photo! I hope to upload the new definitions I created as a freebie on Friday!

My math and calendar area. I'm excited to get to integrate the calendar into my morning meeting again!

IB Unit of Inquiry board, sink/water fountain and workshop/word wall area. I just LOVE the little stuffed sea creatures hanging from the ceiling! Thanks to my Momma and Auntie for coming in and helping out with that (among many other things...)

"Information Station"

A view of MY space. I just LOVE my little Ravens bulletin board behind my desk for photos of all my favorite memories and people!

And just a few wide shots of the room in general...

I hope you all liked touring my very first first grade classroom! Be sure to hop on over to the linky party at Blog Hoppin' to check out tons of other great learning spaces!! 

Sneak a Peek

Teachers don't technically have to go back to work until Monday. But, of course my OCD prevents me from actually giving myself a FULL vacation and I've been in to visit my new classroom a few times.

I started by recovering this old stool. It was in my classroom when I moved in 3 years ago but I actually use it a lot! Sadly, I didn't think to do any before shots but I'm SO SO SO stoked about the finished product! 

This is the first time I've moved classrooms since transferring to my school 3 years ago AND the first time I've taught a grade other than 3rd. Next year, I'll be moving down to big, bad, scary (for me, at least) FIRST GRADE! So, needless to say, my anxiety and over preparedness have been out of control...

My math board has gotten to say FAIRLY the same as in my old room. I had to move my calendar to the math area and add a few things to it. Let me tell you, packing up I made sure to label my fabrics with what size boards they fit and kept the borders together with the fabrics. It made recovering my new bulletin boards SO. MUCH. EASIER!

I've never had to have a proper word wall before, so I spent a lot of time on Photoshop perfecting the letters for this one. You can't see here but they have super cute little beachy borders all around! And luckily, for whatever reason, the chalkboards in my school do not really like chalk. So, we all use whiteboard markers on them instead! It easily wipes off with baby wipes whenever you're done, so that will be how I will be adding the words to the word wall! 

This photo also shows my workshop board. I will end up putting their small group rotation schedule on the board, as well as workshop responsibilities. Here's a closer shot: 

First of all, let me make it clear that this sign up chart was not exactly my idea. I found the general format for it on another amazing teachers' blog but sadly cannot remember which one. I have been finding so many amazing, useful and creative ideas out here in blog world that I've lost track! So, if this is your creation, please comment and take credit! 

Anyway, I'm very OCD about order in the classroom. So when small group rotations begin, I like to know exactly where every kid is AND exactly what they're doing there. With this system, I can mark on the laminate cards what students should be doing in each center. Then, they will clip a clothespin with their names to the edge of the card to show where they will be during center rotations. I did it a little differently in 3rd grade, so I'm hoping this will be a little easier for the little ones.

And, since every center is not open every day, I added velcro to the backs of the cards so that they can switch in and out easily - please excuse my need to be painted in a bad way nails. (I am a total velcro FOOL this year!!) 

 Although it may seem like I've been so hard at work that I must almost be ready to roll, the picture below shows that this is far from the truth. I feel so OVERWHELMED already!

Well, I guess it's time to lavish in my last THREE official days of summer vacation! Is it sad that I get in such a depressed little funk around this time of year? 

Time Flies...

WHERE HAS THE SUMMER GONE?!?!?! I've spent the last few days POURING through some absolutely amazing teacher blogs getting ideas for the new school year (more on that in a different post) and it struck me - the summer is almost over. (Well at least the not going to work part anyways!)

I also realized I hadn't blogged AT ALL since this glorious season started. I guess I was just busy having too much fun! So, I figured I'd get it all out there in a summer recap post. Don't worry, I will try to be brief!

Well, I've obviously been doing a lot of this. I am just such a sun lover. I'm sure it will come back to haunt me later in life but for now I'm happy being bronze.

 We went camping to celebrate my friend Julie's (far right) birthday during the insane heat wave that MD experienced earlier this summer. Luckily there was a lake to cool off in!

 Following our usual tradition, we traveled over to Kent Island to celebrate July 4th. This also happens to be where we will be getting MARRIED next June!!! 

 Since we're usually in Kent Island, we don't always get to celebrate America's birthday with my family. Luckily the dates worked out this year so that we did!! Again, during the crazy heat wave. Man, was it hot - please excuse my appearance!

 

 I headed out to Baltimore to see my boys get ready for the season! I've been once before but I always get so star struck being SO CLOSE to my favorite players!!!

I had some much needed girl time in Ocean City with two old friends. Sam and I have known each other since middle school - she's even going to be in my wedding! We were BFFS all through high school, where we both became lifeguards one summer. Well, at the pool we met Katie and even though she was four years younger (a huge gap at the time, I'm sure) we all became fast friends. We always promised Katie that the summer she turned 21 we would take her to Ocean City and party it up! So that's just what we did!! And since Sam and Katie are ALMOST as big of sun worshipers as I am, we of course spent a lot of time on the beach...

I know it doesn't seem like much but I feel like I've had a pretty relaxing summer. I've even gotten a TON of wedding planning done - including buying my dress! Let's just hope that this last week before school starts goes very.... very... slooooooowly....